The Nature of True Friendship

You seek a 'true' friend and wish to avoid a 'false' one. This is the mind of preference, the root of confusion.

I say to you: Let go of 'friend' and 'enemy,' of 'like' and 'dislike.' When the plank is removed from your own eye and your heart is pure, you will see the Way in all beings.

To one who is whole, the world is not divided. Love your enemy, and you will find you have no enemies left, only companions on the path.

Reflection - Companions on the Path, True Friendship

Friends.

(Pause)

What a word. What a weight it carries. In your hearts, right now, you can feel it. You can feel the warmth of a true, deep friendship—that sense of being seen, of being known, of having an ally. And you can also, perhaps, feel the sting of its opposite. The "false friend." The betrayal. The one you trusted who turned away, or turned against.

This ache for "true friendship" is one of the deepest in the human heart. We build our lives around it. We write songs about it, we tell stories about it, we grieve its absence. We are so, so very lonely, and we believe a "true friend" is the cure.

So you come to me, your hearts full of this longing and this fear, and you ask, "Master, how can I find a true friend? How can I protect myself from a false one?"

And I say to you: "You seek a 'true' friend and wish to avoid a 'false' one. This is the mind of preference, the root of confusion."

(Pause)

This is not the answer you wanted. I know. It feels cold, perhaps. You bring me the deepest, most personal drama of your life—your relationships—and I seem to sweep it aside. But I am not sweeping it aside. I am going underneath it. I am pointing to the root of the confusion.

The Great Way, the Way of the Father, the Way of the Tao... whatever name you give the ultimate... is not difficult. It is only difficult for those who have preferences. The moment you split the world, the very instant you create the two circles of 'true' and 'false,' 'friend' and 'enemy,' 'like' and 'dislike'... in that instant, you are as far from the Way as heaven is from earth.

You have created a war. A war you must now fight, endlessly. You must police the borders of your heart. You must test everyone. "Are you 'true'?" "Are you 'false'?" "Are you for me?" "Are you against me?"

And I ask you, how has that been working for you? (A small smile) Does it bring you peace? Or does it bring you endless anxiety?

This division, this "disease of the mind," is the plank in your own eye.

You heard me say, "Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own?" You all nod at this. You think, "Yes, I shouldn't be so judgmental of my neighbor's little flaws."

But you misunderstand. The plank is not some bigger sin. The plank is the judgment. The plank is the preference. The plank is the entire, solid, heavy, wooden apparatus of the self that believes it has the right to sort the world into 'specks' and 'non-specks,' into 'friends' and 'enemies.'

You are so busy looking out—judging, sorting, labeling—that you cannot see in. You cannot see the Kingdom of Heaven that is already, and always, within you. You are "poor in spirit" not because you have no money, but because you have emptied yourself of all these opinions. You are "pure in heart" not because you have followed a list of rules, but because your heart is no longer divided. A pure heart is a whole heart.

When you let go of 'friend' and 'enemy,' of 'like' and 'dislike'... the plank dissolves. And what happens then? "You will see clearly."

And what do you see? You see the Way in all beings. The two circles merge. The war ends.

"Love your enemy," I said. You heard this as the hardest command, a terrible moral burden. "How can I? Look what they did! They are not my friend!"

But it is not a command. It is a description of reality. It is a promise. It is the key to your own liberation. When the plank is gone, you will love your enemy, because you will see they are not your enemy. You will find you have no enemies left.

You will only see companions on the path.

This is not some strange, new idea, cooked up on a mountain. This is the golden thread running through all true wisdom.

Look to the path of the Buddha. A core practice is called Metta, or "loving-kindness." How does it work? You start by offering this kindness to yourself. Then, to someone you love—a 'true friend.' Easy. Then, to a neutral person. Then, finally... you must offer it to your 'enemy.' You are instructed to sit and actively send peace, to send love, to the very person who makes your blood boil.

This is "Wisdom in Action." It is a practice designed to break the mind of preference. It is the systematic, intentional removal of the plank. The Buddhist path, in this way, is a gradual polishing of the mirror, a patient retraining of the heart, until it can hold all beings without distinction. It says, "The categories of 'friend' and 'enemy' are habits of the mind; let us train the mind in a new, more spacious habit."

Look, also, to the mystics of Islam, the Sufis. They are drunk on the Oneness of God, what they call Tawhid. For them, everything—every person, every atom, every event—is a direct manifestation of the one Beloved.

The great Sufi poet, Rumi, writes: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

What are these "barriers"? They are your 'friend' list and your 'enemy' list. They are your judgments. They are the planks.

So, how do these paths compare to our Way? The Buddhist offers a practice of gradual cultivation. The Sufi offers a path of passionate, devotional love. My Zennist way is perhaps... (a smile) ...a bit drier. It is the path of direct insight. The Hsin Hsin Ming says, "Do not hold to dualistic views; avoid such habits carefully." I say, "Judge not." It is a sudden stop. It is the simple, shocking realization that the entire game of 'true' vs. 'false' is an illusion you are playing with yourself.

The Sufi uses longing to burst through barriers. The Buddhist uses practice to dissolve them. I ask you to sit still and see that the barriers were never really there.

One is a fiery, devotional dance. One is a steady, compassionate walk. Ours is a sudden awakening. But all lead to the same place: The Inner Kingdom. The pure, undivided heart.

(Pause)

Now... how do we live this? In this world?

You turn on your news. You look at your phone. What do you see? You see a world that is addicted to the mind of preference. It is the plank-manufacturing business. It thrives on 'us' versus 'them.' 'True' versus 'false.' 'Friend' versus 'enemy.' It screams at you all day, "Choose a side! Be angry! Be afraid! Here is your enemy! Hate them!"

This is the "wide gate" and the "broad way" that leads to destruction. This is the house built on the shifting sands of public opinion.

And as we see the headlines of war, of elections, of deep and bitter division—this very week, as always—the "biggest large-scale impact News Event" is always this: the renewed call to hate, the strengthening of the 'enemy' category.

I say to you: Enter by the narrow gate.

The narrow gate is to refuse to play the game. It is to see the one you are told to hate—the politician, the voter from the other side, the "false friend," the enemy—and to see in them a companion on the path. A confused companion, a suffering companion, perhaps even a dangerous companion... but a companion nonetheless. A being in whom the Way also flows.

This is not passivity. This is the highest, most radical action. To love your enemy is to build your house on the rock. The rains will come, the floods of opinion will rise, the winds of hatred will blow and beat on that house... and it will not fall. Because it is founded on the one.

You came to me today seeking a "true friend."

I say to you: Let go of this seeking. Be "poor in spirit," and empty your mind of 'friend' and 'enemy.' Be "pure in heart," and heal the division within yourself. Remove the plank of your own preference, your own judgment.

Do this, and you will see clearly.

And in that clear seeing, you will find you are no longer lonely. You will find the "Inner Kingdom."

You will find that the entire universe—the 'true' friend who delights you, and the 'false' friend who teaches you—has been your companion all along.

(Pause)

There are no 'true' friends or 'false' friends.

There is only the Way.

And we are all walking it. Together.